The Meant to Be....

WARNING...this has NOTHING whatsoever to do with food, it mentions God, and it is SUPER long.  Proceed if you wish, but you've been warned lol...

When I discovered I was pregnant with our daughter, the Sweet Pea, I was shocked and excited all at the same time.  I had lost an ovary 7 months before that moment and wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to easily conceive again.  Apparently it wasn't an issue...cause there she was...

During my recovery from my brain surgery earlier that year I was on some pretty heavy duty meds for pain.  Percocet and codeine...oy!  After the first surgery was when I was given the Percocet.  Within the first couple of days being home I started to hear a little voice speaking to me...a little boy.  Our Sprout was in  full day, full week daycare while I recovered, so I knew it wasn't him.  The voice sounded happy, kept calling me "mother" (our son calls me Momma and nothing else), and was telling me how excited he was to be a part of our family.  Say huh????  I immediately stopped taking my Percocet that evening figuring I HAD to be hallucinating, and badly.  I'd only been home for 2 days and I was still in incredible pain but...who needs to feel crazy AND be in pain.  Right...not me either.

Fast forward to the Sweet Pea being sexed at my anatomical ultrasound.  Color me surprised when they told me it was female...  I KNEW what I heard and he spoke to me more than once, even after I stopped the Percocet.  How many ultrasounds do you think I had before I accepted that the Sweet Pea had a vagina??  I'll tell you...5.  The last one was 3D.  Yes...no mistakes, she was female.  As my pregnancy progressed I allowed myself to forget his voice and instead faced my deep rooted fear of being a mother of a female.  I don't typically get on well with females.  I'm not a fusser, I don't wear make-up; I love fishing, hiking, action movies, computer games, working on vehicles...  Sometimes I wasn't sure that *I* was meant to be female lol, ha!  So...what was I going to do with a little GIRL?  Love her...that's what! (There is a story behind this little girl as well...I knew she was coming for YEARS.  I dreamt of her often.  She aged as our marriage aged.  I was prepared in EVERY way to know she was coming, that she was a SHE and that she WANTED to be my daughter.  But I was terrified to be a mother of a girl so I pushed her out of my mind as often as she appeared.  Poor little lamb!  Now she is one of the few joys of my life!  Imagine that!  Do I HAVE to tell you that the Lord KNOWS what He is doing?  Do I have to tell you that His plan for you is most likely going to prove to be the BEST life you could have hoped for?  I hope you already know...)

The third trimester with Sweet Pea ate me alive in every way possible; extremely quick weight gain (partially due to the poly), no sleep, polyhydramnios (higher than normal amniotic fluid level), extreme pain in my head post brain surgery due to widespread fluid retention from pregnancy...  I was a mess.  Because the syrinx hadn't dissolved from my spinal cord either, my Mister and I made the last minute decision to have the Sweet Pea via c-section.  And that was the last straw...  I didn't want to have any more children, ever.  One of each...that's a good place to stop, right?  Of course right.

After my full recovery from the c-section my husband went about his business to do what needed to be done to get "fixed".  They weren't going to make it easy on him though.   Apparently there is a rule...no vasectomies before your last child is at least 6 months.  I've never heard of this "rule" in the United States.  Turns out, not many people HAD heard of it.  It was THIS Canadian doctor's personal rule.  He didn't want patients making the decision based on sleep deprivation or stress.  Fair enough...  Sweet Pea was only 5.5 months old at the time.  We could wait another half month to make the appointment.  Besides, family planning (AKA "the rhythm method") had never failed us in 8 years of marriage.  It wasn't going to now.  There are 3 or 4 tell tail signs when a woman is ovulating.  If you skip "activity" for a span of about 8-10 days beginning and ending on the correct days, you're golden.  NO babies.  Unless....  *sigh*  

Unless you knew better.

If you knew you were supposed to have another baby, and even your husband had gleaned that from various experiences and whisperings of the Spirit (some people call it intuition...) and you had discussed this together...it was common knowledge between you and your spouse.  You indeed were supposed to have another child, but you just "didn't wanna".  What do you think happens?  I can tell you what happens...it happened to us.

Me & My Family...three weeks before finding out

Aren't they sweet together?  I've never seen the need to "add to" perfection...  One boy, one girl; fast friends.

Where the Lord has a plan...you cannot override Him, and somehow you're going to have to learn to accept it, understand it, and live with it (move on).  At least two of those things I struggle with on even everyday matters, something as large as another life is infinitely difficult to accept when it wasn't a choice I would have made nor the timing of it all.  My whole life I had always been taught that the Lord gives us our agency and that, for better or for worse, the choices you make are up to you and the consequences (good or bad) that come are also upon your head.

So I did the only thing I could do.  I cried.  Tears of utter sadness, desperation, and defeat.  I sobbed while my Mister held me.  He held me like I was about to fall into a million pieces.  This time, this pregnancy...he didn't look happy about the blessed event either. 

For the first time ever, when finding out I was pregnant, I cried tears that weren't from a place of joy.  Then I lived in fear of anyone ever finding out that I did that.  Yes.  I have friends and family that canNOT conceive without assistance...some that tried for over a decade and finally adopted.  HOW?!  How could I ever tell them that I didn't want this?  Would my reasons be enough for them to accept my reaction?  Probably not, to both of the above questions.  Would the danger it places my body in, the way that it messes with my overall health and the impact my death could have on my family...would that be enough for people to understand?   Sound dramatic?  It wasn't.  I had only had a c-section 7 months ago to the DAY we found out...not safe for another pregnancy.  Not yet.  All of the sudden I was listening to OBs list off all of the risks to my baby and to me including the baby's failure to thrive in utero,  preterm labor, uterine rupture, and my death from the rupture.  My frustration level over the whole situation only got worse.  Add to it knowing the military is moving us this summer, I need to find a pediatrician who will work with us on our alternate vaccination schedule for the Sprout and the Sweet Pea, a new neurologist for me, internal medicine doc for me...  Aaaaaaaaaa!  WHY?!  Why now?  I never would have willingly gotten myself pregnant NOW!

If you think I didn't go over every detail of my "activities" with my doctor leading up to my THREE positive at home pregnancy tests, you're dreaming.  I all but brought in my calendar to show him our "schedule" of love making and how we safely and (usually) easily avoided pregnancy every single month.  I didn't bring my calendar...I did the next best thing and just showed him on his calendar.  He looked confused as to why it it happened as well...  "We all know the "how", don't we?  But WHY did it happen?"  Not even he could tell me. 

I still can't either.  

My mother and mother-in-law BOTH laughed at me, when three months before I found out I was pregnant again, I told them that we knew we were supposed to have another baby but we had decided together NOT to have that baby boy.  They giggled quite a bit during those two conversations, and politely as could be, let me know "that isn't how it works" with bringing spirits into this world.  You can NOT supersede the Lord with His plan for you OR anyone else in this world.  If He needs it to happen...get ready.  (The problem with me thinking that the LORD imposed Himself is backwards.  Entirely.  For...we KNEW we were meant to be the parents of another child.  Therefore, trying to prevent it was changing HIS plan, and not the other way 'round.  Let me tell you, living your OWN plan never turns out as awesome as living His.  I learned that LONG ago, but somehow that realization and that truth was completely OUT the window the first 4 months of this pregnancy.)  I, politely as *I* could, let them know I'd just deal with my eternal consequences on the back end for not having this baby.  I just knew I couldn't handle another child physically or emotionally.  I was sure of that and because of that, I wasn't going to let it happen. 

I suppose the joke is on me then, cause here it comes.

This was the 3rd and final test I took at home before getting the blood work...

July 20th is the due date...but we'll have to deliver by c-section before labor begins to avoid the risk of uterine rupture from contractions.  This doesn't seem like a situation I would have signed up for, even in the preexistence but here I am, hip deep in it.  Every morning I go through the same thought process while I am climbing out of bed and getting ready to care for my children who are waiting for me downstairs with my Mister...  

"I'm so tired.  This baby is literally sucking the life out of me.  I'm not going to be able to take care of the Sprout and the Sweet Pea properly.  Her teething is taking a huge toll on the 3 of us while the Mister is gone all day. I feel crazy by the time he walks in the door.  I have nothing left for him...I have nothing left for ME.  I hope we can all handle this.  This just isn't fair for the Sprout, and the Sweet Pea ESPECIALLY.  The Sprout had me competition FREE for 3 years before Sweet Pea joined the family...  She has always had competition and NOW...now she'll only be 15 months when this baby comes along.  How unfair for her!  We won't have had enough time to bond; just her and me.  We're going to be emotional enemies her whole life because we didn't get the time we needed to bond properly.  How did *I* let this happen?  This is all my fault."  Then I quickly think through my ovulation schedule for the month that I conceived and still...know that we did everything we could to avoid another pregnancy, short of being completely celibate.  Which we have mostly now become for a number of reasons, but unplanned pregnancy kind of lands at number one on the list of reasons and everything else pales in comparison.

I distinctly remember a phone call with my little sister in January, wherein, she laid into me about hoping that I wouldn't make this child feel unwanted because it wasn't a planned pregnancy and so forth.  I kept my cool while I was talking to her but afterwards I came UNGLUED.  Of course I would never make the child out to be a burden!  I couldn't dream of doing such a thing to any child.  Even so, I haven't been able to come to terms with this situation.  But here it is, in black and white.  Some day my children may or may not see this WHOLE thing and think what a total basket case I am and wonder how they survived to become adults with such a person as their mother.  Believe me...I'll wonder the same thing multiple times before *I* leave this world.  But, no matter what...one thing will remain true.  This child...the accident...the unexpected; it was meant to be.  There is nothing to change, nothing to be done...nothing else to say.  Except, here it comes.  Get ready.  Again...but for the LAST time, my life is never going to be the same.  I just have to hope and pray that the never "the same" is better rather than worse.  Hopefully the Sprout, the Sweet Pea, and the Meant to Be will be a strong trio that can make it through what this world has to throw at them.  I have to believe they will; I have to believe that the Lord has a purpose for this little one to come now at such a time, in such an unwelcome...unforgiving chain of events.  There have already been fearful moments in this pregnancy that have made me wonder why I am being tested in such a way.  You can't imagine my confusion when, on the day my second trimester began, a doctor couldn't find the Meant to Be's heart rate.  Then, because of the magic and irresponsibility of the way some people practice medicine in Canada, I wasn't able to truly KNOW if the Meant to Be was alive or had died for THREE whole weeks.  For three weeks I sat and wondered what was going on in there.  Emotional upheaval to the MAXIMUM during an already dangerous, high risk pregnancy.  Thanks Lord!  I finally took myself to an ER because of symptoms I was experiencing so I could find out once and for all if I had a live Meant to Be in there or not.  Turns out, it was alive and its heart was strong as ever.  Seems to me this little one is going to soldier on no matter what.  No matter what.

Someday I may look back and laugh at this whole situation, I eventually do that quite a bit in my life.  Most often since I became a mother.  Whether I do or not I will have to remember to give myself SOME credit.  I don't know many women who in a 2 year span lost a pregnancy, lost an ovary, had brain surgery twice, got pregnant again, delivered by c-section and had another baby 15 months later and lived to tell about it and...still smiled occasionally.  I have always been hard on myself; expected the unattainable at times.  Funny thing is, this time I HAVE to attain and I HAVE to handle...I HAVE to deal.  So...I suppose I can.  I suppose I MUST.  So, I will.  After all, this WAS meant to be.

Recovering...

I'm sure all of my readers are dying to know how my surgery went this go 'round.  I have been dying to tell you....it went FLAWLESSLY!  I woke up in the recovery room from the anesthesia feeling BETTER than the day before the surgery....this was AFTER they sliced my head open for a second time and stapled me shut with about 30 staples.  I would have lept out of bed and danced a jig if it weren't for the cannula inserted in the lumbar region of my spinal cord.  I was on strict bed rest for 72 hours...this is as bad as it sounds.   Never used a bed pan before....never want to again.  *sigh*  I walked out of the hospital this time feeling ready to conquer the world.  It was stark contrast to my first surgery.  I'll never forget my husband wheeling me out to the truck as I wondered why I felt so much worse than when I went in.  But enough of that!....life is calling.... 

That is me on day 1 of being back home.  A friend of mine on Facebook joked I should have had them install a zipper.  It made me laugh quite hard...which made me realize that no zipper was required.  After the first surgery, laughing, coughing, sneezing....they all made me feel like my head was being ripped open by tiny mischievous imps.  This time around smiling, laughing...the occasional cough or sneeze, didn't give me a moments pause.  I was on an outing with my Mister by day 3 to pick up some vitamins at the local market and by day 5 we were down in the states grocery shopping.

This is the back of my noggin....day 14.  My but my hair DOES grow quickly doesn't it??

I can't say enough about my surgical team.  I love them like they are my family.  A lot of people challenged my decision to have a second surgery in Canada...citing the fact that I had to have a second surgery at all as reason enough to have it done in the United States instead.  But I knew in my heart that my surgeon and his team were the ones that were going to give me a chance at life.  The cause for a second surgery were complications during the recovery...not the surgery.  My neurosurgical team was made up of 3 of the best surgeons in the whole country of Canada.   

I prayed about the first surgery...I prayed about the second; my path was sure.  Quite frankly, having this whole experience has strengthened my trust in my personal connection with the Spirit of the Lord and my knowledge of there being purpose in life.  I'm not done yet...I knew that back in February before I took my first breath of anesthesia.  I have NO idea what ALL there is to my particular purpose, but...that's half the joy in life.  Finding out!

I am still on lifting restrictions...and exercising restrictions until the middle of July for sure.  I hope to be released from the restrictions after they confirm with a CT scan that everything healed properly during this recovery.  So please keep your fingers crossed, say your prayers or send happy healing vibes...whatever you prefer.  I need them and I appreciate them.  I have felt all of the love and thoughts throughout this year from all of you and I am beyond grateful.

I am SO excited to be able to get back into the kitchen and out into the community and share all the wonderful food with you, my readers.  I have missed the whole of spring and all of the wonderful yumminess that accompanies it, but I plan to rectify that FULLY now that summer is officially here.  I will do my best to bring you the best of Ottawa and the surrounding area and share some of the best homemade recipes I have to offer.  Just to let you in on some of what I have coming up, this year I will be making and canning jams and jellies for the very first time.  Strawberry rhubarb jam, crab apple jelly and raspberry jam....and I can't wait!  I will be doing my best to continue to bring you versatile recipes for those of you that live a dairy free or vegan lifestyle.  I love that most of what I post from home can be made with or without dairy and still turn out perfect.  Its important to me that people know that eating the way that is best for their body doesn't have to mean food looks gross or drab...it can still be beautiful and taste like it was made in a Michelin star restaurant.  

Tomorrow Is Here!

A while back I let you all know that I unfortunately would have to have a repeat of my brain surgery due to a large collection of CS fluid in the back of my head, this was a complication of the recovery.  Luckily this news came BEFORE the end of the 3 month mark of my recovery.  It would have been mental hell to find that out AFTER I believed myself to be well.  I was surprised to begin with that the fluid was even there in that high of an amount because I was feeling so much better than the previous month.  But, nothing in this life surprises me anymore.

I won't be feel up to much flogging in the months to follow, so don't hold your breath waiting.  I AM going to resume posting, never fear.  I have been told this recovery will be 2-4 months; I pray that after that, it will be the end of brain surgeries and end of recoveries. 

Thank you all so much for your support and for following my flog, I appreciate your readership and PATIENCE so much!  :0)

Bummer Sauce....

First off, this isn't a recipe...it is just what is going on these days for me and my family...a nice ladle full of bummer sauce.  

Back in January I let all my followers in on some big surgeries that were ahead for me.  I've had them both and am sorta, kinda...mostly recovered from the second surgery; the brain surgery.  The surgery was performed and went as expected however, during my recovery I started to have some trouble.  I reported it to my surgeon and his staff and we all kept a close eye on it.  Most recently they ordered a MRI of my brain and c-spine again to ascertain exactly what was going on inside my head.  This is what they found...

Don't be alarmed...the white blob is simply cerebral spinal fluid (some people thought it was a tumor when they saw it...it is not a tumor) that is stuck...for lack of a better word...in the back of my head.  When I first complained about the swelling at the site of my surgery I was assured that it was SO early in my recovery that whatever was going on would most likely go away.  But, it never did.  In March when I brought it to their attention again they ordered a CT scan while I was in the office.  There was fluid in there alright.  The solution would have been to admit me do a lumbar tap drain for 3 days hoping that it would resolve the collection of fluid.  I didn't like the sound of that and after all...it had only been 1 month and 3 days since my surgery...  He ordered a MRI (the one pictured above) and the appointment was set for the evening of the 24th and the results came from the doc on that Friday.  The fluid pocket has grown so much since March that a lumbar puncture won't be enough to drain that amount of fluid.  Instead, I have to have surgery...again...  

I can't tell you how UNexcited I am for this.  My parents are having their 40th anniversary celebration in June...my brother is getting married in August.  I am about to have the ability to attend at least one of these special occasions denied me, possibly both depending on what surgical date they give me.  I currently have no surgical date so, this is looming and driving me crazy.  I still have days when the pressure in the atmosphere is SO high my head feels like it is going to explode into a bajillion pieces.  But what has NOT happened is MUCH more important to me...

My family never fell apart through this...my husband has been able to take care of all of his needs, our son's and mine.  The first surgery didn't kill me...or paralyze me.  Quite frankly....on the days when the atmospheric pressure isn't jarring my head...I feel wonderful.  I still get tired quickly, but...it hasn't even been 3 months since the surgery yet!  Some people can take up to 6 months to recover from this surgery.  I have a confident feeling in my heart that this next surgery won't take my life either.  I just wonder what I am meant to learn through this process...I'm trying to keep my eyes wide open and my heart filled with hope.

I also feel I should publicly acknowledge all of the friends and family that have had to endure endless phone calls, texts and emails because I was stuck in bed, lonely with nothing else to do when my Mister was at work and the Sprout was in daycare.  They (DEFINITELY) know who they are, and I suppose they are tired of it all...but I hope they will accept my apologies and forgive me.  I can't even remember everything I would talk about while trying to keep them all on the phone just a little bit longer, but there is no doubt in my mind some of it ended up being nonsensical and boring.  I owe them all a great debt of gratitude and I feel blessed to have them in my life.  I hope they will bear with me for round two of this adventure...  *crosses my fingers and all crossable body parts*

The plan is as follows...when they open me up again they will use the same incision as the original surgery, they will remove the fluid from the back of my head, replace the dura patch they applied in the first procedure (I hope they use super glue this time!!), staple me shut after inserting a drainage tube for trace amounts of blood that may be there and they are placing a lumbar drainage tube as well just to make sure to cover all of the bases.  I am told that the recovery will be shorter, possibly less painful as there is no bone grinding or removals this go 'round.  I certainly am thankful for that!!  

I will keep you all posted on how things turn out...as of now I am still not allowed to lift and until my next surgery is completed and I am fully recovered that will remain unchanged.  Not being able to lift my son has actually been the WORST side affects from this surgery.  Everything else I could take...but that...that is still killing me inside.  I'm just glad he may be too young to remember this year in his life and I keep praying it won't affect him emotionally.  

Finally, thank you to all my followers and readers for being so patient...waiting for me to get back into the game.  I'm sorry it is turning out to be a much longer process than I ever dreamed it would be, but know that when I am able to pick up with my flogging again things will start getting awesome up in here again!  Love you all!         

Resilience

Merriam Webster's dictionary defines resilience as:

1: the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

2: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

I haven't really spoken at all about my faith.  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Some people call us "Mormons", some call us "Latter-Day Saints" or even just "LDS".  Either way, it is the foundation to WHO I am.  I don't know if you notice that I write about praying before we eat...even in public.  This is just a part of who I am.  In our church we believe a lot of things but the center of our religion is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  We believe that the power of the Priesthood has been restored to the Earth.  We believe that worthy men can use this power to bless and heal the sick and afflicted.  The faith of the person receiving the blessing has MORE to do with the outcome of the blessing than anything else.  These are things I believe and know to be true in my heart.

For a long time I have been feeling as though I should tell you that I am going to have some hard times ahead....they are gaining on me quickly.  I had laparoscopic pelvic surgery yesterday to remove a dermoid cyst from my right ovary; which resulted in them taking the ovary and the fallopian tube.  I was a little disappointed, but I still have my left ovary.  My grandmother went through the same thing in the 50's.  They told her she'd never have another child...then she had 3 more.  While I was lying in the second recovery room the nurse asked me how I felt.  That's a LOADED question with me, no matter WHAT.  Even if I hadn't been laying there recovering from a surgery, on any normal day she would have gotten an earful.  But the only thing that came to my mind was the ache and emptiness I felt.  I said, just above a whisper...  "I just keep thinking about how if we hadn't lost our baby girl in June, she'd be due tomorrow.  She was due on January 14th."  I started to cry...she had no reaction.  I can't blame her, she doesn't know me from Adam.  But, as "common" as I know this is, as much as I know it could happen to me again in my lifetime, I still haven't been able to get over it.

I also had a bevy if misdiagnoses last year with some pain I had in my upper back.  For DECADES I had been told I had fibromyalgia, then....no, no you have chronic fatigue.  Then...back to fibromyalgia.  All resulting in the same thing, no cure and no treatment that really could make a difference.  When my son was 6 months old and I went to pick him up out of his crib after a nap and I put my hands just under his armpits to lift if out, my hands went up, so did his arms.  I had no grip in my hands.  Then a day later, under an extremely stressful moment in my day the right side of my mouth went numb.  I didn't know it until I could feel saliva starting to hit the skin outside the edges of my lip.  I was horrified.  The days that followed introduced new symptoms that scared me enough to FORCE my military base doctor to order some REAL tests.  Having been trained and certified as a medical coder and then going back to school for medical transcription I had 4 years of pathology knowledge kicking in and going NUTS in my head.  I had contracted Lyme disease the year before, I wondered if they caught it too late and now I had late stage Lyme.  Some of the other symptoms matched MS; I thought I was too young for that, turns out I am not.  When I went to the doctor for the last desperate time telling him what I thought I might have he looked me in the eyes and asked me if I ever thought that what was happening might be psychosomatic...in other words a mental condition that is manifesting itself in symptoms only I can find.  I was furious and exhausted.  Finally I said to him I wanted him to order a MRI scan of my head and C-Spine, if they find NOTHING, I will pay for it.  I knew they'd find late stage Lyme or MS that way, but I never heard of the condition they DID find.

Syrinx.  That's what the report came back with.  It was THERE, it was REAL and it explained EVERY single symptom I had been having, even down to the low grade asymptomatic fevers.  I thought I WAS going crazy, but SOMETHING kept telling me to push.  Not give up...there was something wrong.  Two doctors saw the MRI report and BOTH misdiagnosed me.  There are 2 ways to develop a syrinx in your spinal cord.  One form is congenital in the form of Chiari malformation I.  The second is from a traumatic spinal cord injury.  That can be inflicted in many ways; falling off of a ladder, falling down a flight of stairs, car accidents, falling while skiiing.  ALL of which I did the year I was 15.  When both doctors learned of these instances they felt it was an open and shut case.  The cure for a syrinx from traumatic spinal cord injury is...nothing.  There is NO way to get rid of it.  The treatment for it would be traction, steroid injections at the site of swelling in the spinal column and a drug called diamox that reduce the amount of fluid retention in the head.  I refused the shots, could never get an appointment for traction and after trying the diamox for 30 days quit.  I felt like I was in a constant mental fog on those meds.  I had a 9 month old to take care of by then...and a deployed active duty husband.

STILL...something told me this all was NOT right.

Fast forward a couple months to us finding out the Air Force was moving us from Oklahoma to Canada.  Yay!  Snow!  That's ALL I could think.  You can take the girl outta Minnesota but you can't take the Minnesota outta the girl!  Right around that same time was when we found out we were going to have a baby.  We prayed about it and talked it over before we even tried.  When it happened in less than a calendar month of being off of birth control, we knew we were headed in the right direction.

Packing up and moving went a little slow.  I was pregnant and my husband was working...and there was the 14 month old factor.  But we made it...we always do, we always will.

The day after we got to Ottawa I started to miscarry our baby.  I was heartsick.  I've already spoken about this and the horrible healthcare I received that resulted in an emergency surgery.  During this time we were still looking for a home.  We finally found a wonderful place and got to unpacking.  Something was nagging in the back of my mind every time I was in pain...  Those doctors in Oklahoma said it was a traumatic spinal cord injury.  What else could there POSSIBLY be?  Why was something telling me to KEEP digging?

I found a hospital in Colorado that specializes in traumatic spinal cord injuries.  I wasn't sure what I was going to ask the doc, but I knew I needed to send him my MRI and the written interpretation.  I did.  He looked at it in his spare time, for FREE....what a guy!  While I was waiting to hear back from this Dr. Falci (that was his name) I became horribly ill.  No one else was ill in the house, just me.  After 4 days of high fevers and exhaustion that would come and go I asked my husband for a Priesthood blessing.  In that blessing my husband related to me many things that the Spirit directed him to say; things that Heavenly Father (God) would have me know.  One of the things he told me I couldn't forget was that my "pain would be removed from me".  It made me catch my breath and then I didn't hear another SINGLE word my husband said.  My mind was reeling....  How could it be removed?  Was I going to die?  Was it physical pain he was talking about?  Or mental pain?  Emotional pain?  Anyone that suffers from chronic pain knows how your being is totally clobbered on ALL of those fronts.  The very next afternoon I got a phone call from Dr. Falci's office.  What he said changed my life.

The syrinx in my spinal cord was NOT caused by a traumatic spinal cord injury.  There was no evidence of injury to the spinal column.  No bone fragments or chips...nothing.  Nothing except the syrinx pushing the discs out because of swelling in the cord.  There WAS evidence, however mild, that I had Chiari malformation I.  I had low lying cerebellar tonsils, fused C2/C3 discs and a syrinx.  These are all markers of the condition.  He "respectfully, totally and utterly disagreed" with the 2 previous diagnoses in Oklahoma and wondered if I was in contact with a neurosurgeon in Canada yet.  It was taking me some time to get it all together in my mind.  In one 5 minute conversation I went from no hope to...I was going to have a LIFE again.  A life with NO pain.  I have NO idea what that is like.  I have been in pain like this since I was a teenager.

I found a neurosurgeon here, showed him my MRI films without disclosing any of the previous 3 diagnoses.  He came back with the same diagnosis as the specialist in Colorado.  Mild Chiari malformation I....and "When do you want to have the surgery?"  *most relieved sigh you've ever heard in your life*  He explained that there were no guarantees with the surgery but given my age, no smoking, no drinking and organic lifestyle I had next to 100% chance of ZERO pain and more than likely a surety of the syrinx resolving within 3 months.  Most of the time the prognosis is about 70% of patients come out with zero pain and a full recovery.  But being young and healthy was seriously helping my case.  In that moment, my blessing played through my mind..."your pain will be removed from you".

I am sure I don't need to tell you that God is good, do I?

But between the miscarriage last June, all the horrible medical treatment of the miscarriage, the brain surgery coming up, the jaw surgery I'm supposed to have....I am starting to feel...stretched, strained and more often than not, exhausted.  Sometimes I wonder how I get out of bed in the morning, but then, when I hear my husband ask in a whisper if I am ready to say morning family prayer and shortly after starting we hear a booming "Momma?!  Dada?!"  on the baby monitor.  I remember, people need me.  I lay in bed some mornings and wonder how many more things like these I can go through in my life before I am overcome physically...my body just won't be able to bounce back.  How much more can I go through emotionally before I just break into a million pieces?

The answer??? As much as the Lord wills me to.

By nature and need I am a deeply spiritual woman and I believe that Heavenly Father will NEVER give me a challenge in this life that I can't meet.  Strong words, but never more true as I am finding it is these days.  It is amazing when you discover your capacity, your abilities and your strengths.  In the places you least expected them to be and much stronger than you ever dreamed possible.  I know for myself that as it states in Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."  In my human moments I am not certain that I will come out of my brain surgery and still have all my mental faculties, remember who I am, what my life was or why I even had brain surgery.  But I have had SO many moments of confirmation leading up to now, asserting this is my path, that this surgery is the answer.  I have lost my fear.  I feel ready.

I want to thank all of my followers and readers that have joined me.  It has been a wild year for me and the fun is JUST beginning with this year.  I have NO idea how often I am going to be able to cook or write or eat out.  Right now I am on bed rest and lifting restrictions, but I didn't want to leave my people hanging.  I still love food, I still love to cook, I still try new things...I just won't be able to do as much as you're used to seeing in the coming year.  I am not sure if I'll be able to write at all until June.  The recovery from Chiari decompression surgery is 3-6 months.  Three is ideal, 6 is a possibility if there are complications of any kind.  My surgical date is sometime in February or early March.  For now, I am recovering from the surgery yesterday.  I was told this most likely would be until February 9th before I am feeling like my "old self" again.

In the first definition of "resilience" it speaks of the body's ability to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress.  At times I have certainly felt like life was closing in on me at ALL angles, like I couldn't breathe and there was no way out of the painful moments I was in.  In those moments I am forced to remember Christ suffered all for all mankind.  Even me.  This tells me that not only do I have the ability to recover, I can be BETTER than I was; physically and spiritually.

Am I resilient?  How resilient??  We're about to find out....

Your Suggestions & Requests Are Needed!!

As the holiday seasons approach us keep your eyes peeled for my "12 Days of Christmas Cookies" series.  I will be posting a new recipe for a cookie with pictures EVERY day.  I'll be starting that on December 1st.  It will of course run 12 days with the last recipe posting on December 12th, allowing all of YOU to have 12 days to make these before Christmas Eve hits.  Depending on demand and response I will add an extra "bonus" flogged recipe for a candy, a pan of bars or sweet breads on the same day I post a cookie recipe.  

I of COURSE will be keeping up with going to my list of "to eats" leading up to this and interspersing all of that with intermittent home cooking as always.  As I assert in my tag line for my flog, "I eat, I cook, I blab and you reap all the benefits", so I'm glad to finally be sharing MORE things I make in my own home along with what I experience when my family and I venture out into the city.  At any rate, I sincerely hope that you enjoy the series and maybe even find some NEW favorites your family will turn into a tradition like my family did when I was growing up!!

Here are some photos of what I made LAST year....

Peanut Butter Kisses

Sugar Cookie Cutouts

Crackle Top Molasses

Mini Snowballs

Pinwheels

Snickerdoodles

 Jubilee Jumbles

There are several cookies, bars, candies and sweet breads I make that aren't shown here, so don't be afraid to let me know what you'd like to see.  I am taking suggestions and requests now, so don't be shy.  Send them to me via email at mrsstockham@gmail.com.  Please don't leave them in the comments section of my flog.  If I decide to try your suggestion or go with your request, I'll mention you in the post.  

Thank you in advance for participating and enjoy the ride!!

Apology...

I want to take the time to apologize for my absence.  We recently moved from Oklahoma City, OK to Ontario, Canada.  This was no normal move...so many things happened along our way.  Finding out we were going to most likely lose a baby we JUST found out we were having, then actually losing the baby, not getting into our home right away; thus an overextended stay in a hotel (we're still in it...), emergency surgery because of my miscarriage and a series of failed medical intervention...  I of course have still been eating, but to say I haven't had the time to flog is an understatement.  Now on moderate bed rest, I may be able to get things back on track.  To my 6 followers, I appreciate you more than words can say.  Some would be greedy and want more.  But...more isn't always better.  I'm willing to bet I have the best 6 followers on the planet.  Thank you for your time and finding interest in my ramblings about food.  It means a great deal to me.  

I want you to look forward to the next 3 years that I am here in Ontario, so I will tell you that there are a BAJILLION places here that I am going to be trying out and I'm sure turning those dishes into organic meals in my own home.  When I do that I'll post those as well.  I'm so excited to try the African, Indian, Thai, Caribbean, French and Italian places here!  If NOTHING else makes me strive to heal...getting back to my love of eating and flogging will do it.  We all have to eat...why not love what you're shoveling in eh?  Right.  (Just flexing my new found "Canadian speak"...they say "right" and "eh" here a LOT!)

Happy eating...I hope you enjoy tasting Ontario as much as I think I will!